A white gel begemmed big toe refracts the light from heaven as I step out of the door, I go down the stairs, turn right and walk along the pavement. One singular credit card with a five thousand pound limit flies around my massive handbag. I have dumped my keys, my wallet, everything else onto my bed. Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law as today I have decided to abandon my children. I have dutifully opted to dissolve my functional and legal capacity as a maternal party, thereby terminating the parent-child contractual nexus between me and my dependents. When an attractive, smart and savvy socialite ignores their gut feeling, they can easily descend into sex cult indoctrination. Anxiety, fear and fine tuned female intuition are seen as hurdles to overcome in order to jailbreak your own brain, for it to function at full 100% capacity using pure reason alone. I look into my heart to connect to my higher self and as clear as day I can see that motherhood is not for me.
I wonder if I’m taking the same path as Nelly the dog did, and wonder if she felt similar to me when she took herself out for a walk and never came home. The doggy was having her tail pulled and her bed stolen everyday, by the children, not by me. I admire her for making the right decision for herself. She looked around at the situation and thought, ‘Nope, this isn’t where I’m supposed to be’. She is a lucky girl, I think she had about four or five litters. Her puppies floated up into the air and up through the clouds like dandelion puffs on the wind of Facebook Marketplace. She was totally unencumbered and was able to live her truth. I was hurt and on reflection probably jealous when she ran away, which is why I didn’t look very hard for her, but I think leaving her to her own devices was the right thing to do and respected her canine autonomy. It wasn’t like our house was hard to find as she is a dog and it’s not like our house doesn’t smell sometimes.
I step a few step, step, steps with my white toenails that poke out of my white satin sandals, as, despite the circumstances, or perhaps in light of taking full ownership over my failings and taking full accountability of my full personhood while acknowledging my strengths and weaknesses, I am feeling jubilant so I need to walk around. I need to walk down the street on the planet that I live on and feel the interconnected energetic harmony between me and all things. This is a big change and is an important part of the story of my life. I will think back on this monumental moment. I will get on public transport when my cortisol quiets.
A bad thing happened a week ago, I waited a week after it happened in order to make a grounded and fully rounded decision on what direction my life should take. I went to the supermarket with 4 of the children, the girl, the boy and the twins. One would assume that as a single mother with a rather hectic attitude towards DIY and a vibrant and electric spirit that my offspring would be raring up and down the aisles, throwing cans at pensioners and ripping each other to shreds. Unfortunately my children’s personality disorders present themselves in far more insidious ways which makes it virtually impossible to get an NHS diagnosis. I feel as if I’m a Catherine wheel going off inside a freezer, my children have nothing to express. The plain eyes of my children disturb me. They are calm, mild mannered, and polite. I receive endless praise from others for how fantastically I have raised them. This creates more isolation. They’re fantastic at being filmed for my Youtubes, and when the cameras shut off, they behave exactly the same. Skinwalkers maybe I’m not sure, they could be aliens or Indigo children also. They hold onto the trolley nicely as I walk around the supermarket to buy them food. The twins have fallen asleep.
They have octopuses at the moment in the frozen section at Lidl because it’s coming up to Christmas. I put a few of them in the trolley to defrost in the bath for the children and I to play with later. Everyone is just shopping normally around me. I forgot to get a treat so I went back towards the bakery section to get a cookie. The trolley was sturdy and heavy, I could say I don’t know what came over me but I do know what came over me, it was total boredom. It was a very painful feeling like holding onto a frozen pole. My retail therapy attempt had failed as everything in the reduced section was only discounted by between 20 and 70p, and there was nothing I didn’t already have from the middle aisle. There was an inflatable Christmas star that I didn’t buy as George Michael goes on the top of the tree. I can say exactly what happened because you cannot arrest me and I dare you to even try. I tripped the trolley over, which by the way is not a crime. I didn’t think it would even tip because it was so sturdy and heavy, but I just wanted to see how much strength it would take to do it and I just wanted my shopping and the twins to fall out of the trolley. It was really heavy and hard to tip over but I did it and everything spilled out onto the floor. The left twin rolled out of the seat silently with its eyes closed. Puffy and round in its Jack Wills coat it rolled so funnily and slowly, I think I saw it roll over at least 4 times and I noticed with concern that not a single muscle in my body twitched. I watched and it rolled into the baked goods display which pushed the shelves over and backwards creating a ladder. The baby rolled up, covering itself in flour as it went straight up and into the oven. The door closed and it cooked for the perfect amount of time. The oven door opened and there it was, a freshly baked loaf of bread. I walked over to it and held it in my arms and it smelt as good as the day it was delivered.
I remember that part very clearly but I suppose I must’ve taken a funny turn as I woke up cuddling the slow cashier that’s got a facial abnormality. I usually avoid that woman’s checkout queue but I suppose we had become acquainted as she was intimately rubbing my back and stroking my hair in a staff only area. Sometimes I faint because I’m anemic but I also occasionally abuse painkillers and when I haven't eaten or when I’ve smoked a cigarette, I can collapse while crossing the road or while I’m driving the car. The room was brightly lit and my eyes felt hungover. Two children were sitting near me by a kitchen area tea station and once a twin, now the baby was playing with a health and safety sign on the floor. The cashier spoke to me in a baby voice,
‘Oh hello Love, you took a bit of a spill there, how are you feeling Hmm? A bit scary but everything is okay, Yeah? Just take some time to get yourself together, I’m looking after you. You’ve had a bit to eat now, do you want me to go and make you a cup of tea?’.
I noticed I was itchy and completely covered in crumbs, I looked down at my bloated belly popping out over my jeans and in my lap was a bit of rounded crust. My stomach gurgled and I felt the gas bubbling up inside me and I felt 10 times fatter. I had eaten the entire baby. I was completely shocked, it had weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces last I heard and I hadn’t eaten bread in coming up to 9 months at that point. Unlike the regret after overeating a big takeaway, the egg had already been cracked and barfing wouldn’t fix the problem. One child of mine had gone to live with the maths teacher a while ago and now a baby had already been half digested.
Off I go walking down the pavement, I need to get out of here. I filled the food bowls up in big piles on the table and left the backdoor unlocked for outside time. Life always finds a way, all streams lead towards the ocean. Off I go to the bowling alley, it was big and looked like every bowling alley anyone has ever been to, to wait for something to happen to me. I walked over to the bar and tried to order a big bubbly beer and my card got declined, which means that the card I had left on the kitchen table had been run up to the maximum already. I sure hope they had bought enough groceries to live on. Luckily for me I found another secret card in my back jeans pocket, yay! So I bought a big drink and went over to the arcade. Oh my god is this embarrassing? A woman in her fine wine age alone playing at an arcade? I would never say that I am middle aged as we truly don't know what the future holds and I think that’s a very pessimistic way of looking at life. I never give up, apart from in regards to my children. Suffering with depression anyway makes child rearing the last thing on your mind. They have a new VR machine at the arcade which I am going to try, I scroll through the various scenarios. They must be translated from Chinese, it’s some machine called VR-POWER. Birds and Hamburgers - Be like a bird, you will experience a crazy escape journey by this film. Dr Horribles - The doctor received a mysterious phone call, so he went to the appointment, and the journey of horror opened the curtain. Bloody Road 3 - In the escaping escape journey, you saw the figure of the girl you loved. Finally, in order to save the girl, bring the evil mask and become the most perverted murderer you once hated. I choose that one and sit inside the blue glowing egg and put the VR headset on.
I’m the size of a fly, flying around the inside of a new chinese car. They are showing me where all the controls on this new car are and how to make the windows go up and down and that the seats are heated and that it has bluetooth capabilities, it does look like a fantastic new car. The view zooms out and I see the gorgeous new car on a rickety wooden track. I’m on a kind of clown rollercoaster zooming after a blonde girl who’s hair doesnt move and then it goes into a clowns mouth and I’m in some kind of tube that looks like an anus with hands trying to grab me, then the girl is standing staticly on train tracks and a train runs her over and she disappears, then the train explodes and im moving through the flying carriages in the air while trombones and grandfather clocks fly towards me. The textures are so computery and the movements are so static and robotic. Maybe this kind of thing is normal in China I don’t know but it certainly doesn’t suit my western tastes. I close my eyes and enjoy the rumble of my seat and shuffle up against the saddle. I relax for a minute and then there’s an extremely loud distorted scream in my left ear and I open my eyes and the girl is spread out on a sacrificial plinth being exploded and her veins and arteries explode out of her like spaghetti and blood droplets spawn over and over from the same spot the droplets shooting directly into my eyes and the scream loops over and over again. They’re shouting something in French at me which is indecipherable over the screams and explosions. Her corpse then rises and screams at me and I’m holding a big AR 15 and I shoot a million bullets into her head and there’s a huge even bigger blood explosion and then the plinth explodes and the sound cuts off half way and the nice rumble stops abruptly. It then shows the car and spins it around and it says Enjoy this amazing new car!
That was alright, I get up off the egg and thankfully before I know where my legs are supposed to take me I’m approached by a youth about my son’s age who asks me if I want him to win me something out of the claw machine. It’s dark in the arcade so I think my glittery jeans must’ve hypnotised him from afar. I say yes sure and pick the machine which is most in the dark, the prize in that one is a novelty sized massive cadbury bar. I of course don’t want it.We kind of talk a little bit but his shyness is helpful as he cannot look into my eyes. He asks me if I’m at college and I tell him that I own a jewellery shop in Paris which also is a teddy bear hospital and that I live in an apartment above it but I am here visiting my Auntie who lives in Tittering and that I’m also an influencer and I’m vlogging my journey and I ask if I can film him and he says no, so I get out my phone and I film the machine. He then tries again to grab the big cadbury bar and I think the claw is too weak to grab it, he tries a few more times and I tell him it’s okay don’t bother, but he keeps trying until his money runs out. He doesn’t talk while I’m filming and I’m trying to look like I’m having fun but he is completely ignoring me. This must’ve been his 15th try and he’s getting very angry and punches the machine. I tell him to please not bother but he ignores me and tries again, he doesn’t get it and he grabs the machine and shakes it and then punches the buttons. He then gets a knife out of his pocket and pries off all the buttons and then stabs the exposed wires underneath the buttons. Oh yes, Go go go! Don’t let that machine get the better of you! I say and he tells me to shut up. He takes my drink from me and pours it into the holes in the machine and it floods the bottom where the chocolate is lying, it floats to the top and he grabs the sides of the machine and tips it to the side using his muscley strength and the chocolate falls out the bottom. What a winner! I put my hand in the flap and grab it out. He’s looking around nervously because he’s about to get in trouble and he asks me if i want to go and sit in his car, a kid with a car! Ooh la la! I tell him yes please and that we can split my choccy!
We sit next to each other in the front of the car and he turns on some music which is kind of like rap music but I think meant to sound bad on purpose. He still hasn’t had a proper look at me and I think my Cloud by Ariana Grande perfume has cemented the illusion, I try to hum along to the music and bounce my arms to show that I love it and he doesn’t move. He’s smoking weed out of an electric pen. Now we are having sex and I am looking out the back window. His penis going into me is kind of not noticeable which is not exactly preferable to feeling some kind of pain, which is a kind of sensation you can try to convince yourself to interpret another way. Instead it’s more of a dull tickle or someone giving you a light scratch on a bit that wasn’t really itchy. Okay well there he goes and I assume it’s going in and out. Sex is like when you’re on the bus on the way home from work and someone you kind of know comes on and you make eye contact with them but they still give you the courtesy to sit on the completely opposite side of the bus to you. I don’t feel like scratching my own skin off like when I have an awkward conversation with a coworker or with a lover which feels very similar to me. It’s great to agree together on doing some preparation, then engaging in a beginning and middle and an end together. That is called an experience. As I’m being bumped against with a sub zero chance of an orgasm I see there’s a trail of what must be blood that’s been dragged into concrete of the car park. There’s a big splatter behind the car and a lone brogue shoe, with a line leading to the corner of the car park where the recycling bins are kept. I can see movement there beside it, I assume it’s a group of drug addicts partying. I wonder if anyone in this carpark will look into the window and see me, I wonder if actually it’s a good thing if I kept my face blank. I could say that I got a tampon stuck in my cervix and I asked this young man to help me fish it out or that I’m just playing with my son and I’m giving him a ride on my back like a donkey in the back seats of my car, and if they wouldn’t mind to please give us some privacy. A car turns a corner and the headlights shine onto the huddle, there are what look like two nude women completely covered in hair with dark dripping and wet matting around their mouths like they’d just eaten a spaghetti dinner. They had long nails but no make up, behind them are the tall dark trees leading into the dirty neglected waterway and nature reserve where people let their dog’s shit. Classic lesbians having a threesome with Aunt Flo! They’re startled and drag some clumps of stuff along behind them and run into the forest. Vagrants. As a runaway and unfortunate orphan now at the age of 52, I don’t exactly think it’s hard to put some lippy on when nothing else is going your way. I have to get myself out of bed and drag myself out into the world and cooperate in order to survive and eat disgusting food and get smelly throughout the day just like everyone else does in this fucking world, and I do it all in a pair of high heels!